1 Month

I can't believe that I only have one more month of waiting before I get to resubmit my mission papers. Don't worry I really am thrilled about this! Time has been on my side these last few weeks and I'm completely blessed with that.

But of course many of you know that it hasn't always been on my side. Or at least I didn't feel as though it was. I want to share little segments from one of the best talks I've read. It's by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf Aprill 2010 Priesthood Session. The talk is Continue in Patience

It was extremely hard for me to understand why I had to wait when what I wanted to do was something good. Serving a mission isn't bad. But why would I have to wait? Now there are a long list of reasons why I had to wait some more obvious then others. Some reasons I'm still learning about! 

"Patience- the ability to put our desires on hold for a time- is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter."

Now, not all of us are horrible with patience but there are some of us who are still learning how to look at it with good light. 

About two days ago I realized that as exciting as it is that on November 3 I'll have my papers back up at the mission department but being able to put my mission papers in means that I have gone 6 months without an anxiety attack that I COULD NOT control. I was pretty excited when I had realized that next month is a really big stepping stone for me. Of course I'm focusing on everything with my mission because HELLO that's what my end goal is here right? 

"...I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen-patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals not getting discouraged when results didn't appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not a passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can- working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

President Uchtdorf is one very inspired man of God. Amen to this whole talk. It is simply amazing. I'm so thankful for the many things my Heavenly Father has blessed me with this year. (Can you believe it was a year ago when President Monson made the big announcement?) I can't wait to see what this last month is going to teach me. And I've very excited to be able in one month to try it all again. I know my mission is worth it. And I've very excited to see what it all has in store for me. 

I hope you all get to watch or listen to General Conference this weekend. I've very interested to see what our Savior wants us to hear this time. 

I am not a victim of anxiety anymore.

I cannot express my gratitude for the feelings I have today. I would have never guessed a year ago that I would be where I am at. Almost one year ago, the announcement the Church made of the age change for missionaries go serve missions at a younger age. First of all, I remember watching General Conference by myself in my apartment and I fell to my knees crying. The glories moment, even now when I listen to it I'm overwhelmed with joy.  

In one year I've been able to experience enough. A large scale of dating someone serious to having my papers in and just waiting the moment of the white envelope to show up. Although it never did appear. 

I'm still dreaming of this moment. That moment will finally be happening because I finished therapy. I will not be resubmitting my mission papers till November. But I will hopefully be going if it's in the Lord's grand plan for me. (I'm still praying it is & it would help if you did too). 

It seems like a dream to me, as I walked out of the building from therapy tonight it didn't seem real. Being at the finish line it's hard for me to even remember how I allowed myself to become so weak. But thankfully my Heavenly Father is aware that I may become weak. I'm even more thankful that he allowed me to be able to change. It was not an easy change, but I am so thankful I was able to overcome my anxiety. 

I know many people in the last few months that have asked me how I've overcome it. So I'm just going to tell you the different methods I use. 

Please keep in mind that this might not help you. My anxiety came from lack of control, and magnifying each situation.

1. Breathing (start by breathing out, and making sure that when you breath in it's one second longer than you were breathing out).

2. Meditation. (imagine a beach). 

3. Your safe place or a place where you are happy. (Mine is Italy, dancing, San Diego beach or being at a football game).

4.  Is this going to matter in 3 days?

5. Realizing how your physical symptoms happen- that they will not last forever

6. Angel and Devil from Empires New Groove (Devil being your anxiety).

7. Recognizing that there is positive and negative worrying. 

Now if your anxiety is bad enough PLEASE go see a therapist. I would have never gone and I didn't think they were even important but if you make the effort and try to allow the methods to help you they can. 

If anyone has questions about one of the methods I mentioned send me a message and I'll try and explain it to you more.  

Maybe use this as my new missionary picture?? ;)

Thank you for your love and support you've shown me at this time. I couldn't be here without the prayers many of you have said in my behalf. I've been able to grow closer to my Heavenly Father during this trial and I couldn't be happier that He understands me the best. He knows the pains I have experienced. And that's why he is mine and your Heavenly Father. 

Also here is my Mormon.org page. Click Here Go read it! I'm a Mormon and I'm proud to be one. 

Turning into a big girl

As most of you know, I officially got the job at Deseret Book! I'm completely thrilled about it. I got my apron the other day and tomorrow I will work a full day. I'm really excited about it! I can't wait to see what this step in my life has in store for me.

In my cute apron! (I call it my big girl job).

Yesterday when I looked at this picture I realized I've changed. At first I couldn't figure it out, but while I was in therapy tonight I realized what it was. Which brings me to some news. It was discussed tonight in therapy that I'll most likely have one more session and I will be done till I submit my papers. He even suggested that we might be able to submit my papers a little early then I was planning. As my therapist said these words I'm pretty sure I almost died. (Don't get to excited). The words that followed were no. It was weird sitting there being told what I've wanted to hear for months. Recently I've thought about if I were to submit early would I? And I told myself no, I don't think I'm ready and I feel that there are still a couple things I need to do before I submit. 

To say the least it's a very odd feeling. I would have never thought I would turn down putting my papers back in early. As I look at this picture of me I realize I have changed. I'm completely relaying on the Lord. I don't make a judgement call till I've prayed, read my scriptures and truly know that the choice I will make is the best one for me. This does not come over night, comes from a lot of practice, patience, and crying. Okay the crying might only be me. 

Here's my preparing missionary side coming in... Ha if you are searching for anything that I am describing or simply want to know more about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Please please go look at our website and get in contact with some missionaries! Click here to find out more! :) Don't be shy. 

As for right now, I'm going to just keep going. Anything can happen these next 88 days (this is when I hope to resubmit so that I get my call back on my 21st birthday). I'm open for anything! 

Like I told Elder Danner in this weeks email. The Lord has the most perfect timing. I have no doubt about it, hence why I'm still waiting. Because I know and have a feeling that something is going to happen.  

By the way I GRADUATED WITH MY ASSOCIATE!!!!! YES I PASSES ALL MY CLASSES! 

Pretty dang proud of myself to say the least. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of the week. And don't be afraid to send me an email or comment and we can chat about anything! <3

I need a little more Ashtree and Carson Allen in my life.

One thing people should know about me is that I LOVE to go to concerts. Even if I don't know who's singing. Finding new music is what I love. I don't think you can only like one genre of music, but if you are one of those people. I'm feel bad for you because you are missing out on so much!
My Friday night was PERFECT yesterday.
A couple months ago while at a John Allred concert- I discovered a band named Ashtree. These guys have so much energy, music is easy to dance to, completely outgoing and all around great people to be around. After months of begging them to come back they did! YAY!
My favorite song by Ashtree is their new release Heart Attack (click on it to hear the song).

 Here's the band! L to R: George, Zack, Will, (me), Joseph, and Patrick! 

 If you know the band you know these two are brothers. Joseph and Patrick 

Of course I had to take a picture with the Yellow Piano.

Will decided he wants anyone he meets to sign the piano. So I signed it, hopefully it makes them smile anytime they see it. It was pretty awesome to get to hang out with the guys before they went on. Because last time it was after and being super tired after standing for so long isn't very interesting. In the mist of being able to kick it with everyone I got to meet Carson Allen. Now if you don't know him go look him up. My favorite song of Carson is Even If.

The one and only Carson Allen. 

The hilarious things that came out of all their mouths. :) Oh tooo good! I wish I could go on tour with them the whole time. But lucky for everyone they just started their tour. Yesterday was day 2 or 3 (it's the question of the tour). They still have many days to come along the West Coast. 

 Just so you all know they named the tour Blue Eyed because of me ;) Okay, maybe not but it sounds good to me! If you have the chance to see these guys on tour do it! If you want to know some more songs they both can be found on Spotify and YouTube.
Seriously I wouldn't mind if they stopped by in Utah at the end of the tour! As you can see by some of my pictures I enjoyed myself. That big of a smile only comes when I'm experiencing pure joy!
Good Luck Ashtree and Carson!! I hope that you have some fun. As for Carson you should be able to find something outside of Utah and our 3.2 issues.
Don't be afraid to share their music- It would be awesome if we could get more people at their concerts who can sing along! SHARE, SHARE, SHARE!

2 weeks away

I finish classes in TWO WEEKS? Say what? No way?!
The beloved place that I've spend way to many hours at in two weeks, I'll be taking a 2 year break if all goes well. Needless to say, right now I'm really really excited not to be going back to school. I might regret saying that in a couple months. But it might not happen considering I got the job at Deseret Book. (well kind of). I don't start right now because of school and such.
I'm really looking forward to being able to work there. It's such a blessing for me, and I know it's going to help me so much in continuing to prepare to resubmit my papers. Only 2 more weeks and I get to take nice/necessary break away from Provo.

On another set of news. I went to the One Direction concert last night. (Judge all you want, it was a blast jumping up and down letting my young self be completely nuts).
Wanna see my favorite video? One Way or Another
Go watch it! They sang this, and it was sooo much fun.

Such a blast with these girls, even if we had to yell at some lady to go find 2 extra seats. This was a night for the books. Thank you to One Direction for making a stop here in Utah. Even if the concert was filled with hundreds of screaming little girls-which totally bursts your eardrums. 

My inspiration

I've said many times that I have some of the most amazing people in my life. The missionaries that are my dear friends who are my example daily. I consider myself as a very lucky girl because of these amazing people who have touched my life.
Yesterday I was invited to go and welcome home the first of my amazing examples. Sister Rachel Ewell. I remember when I said goodbye to her. You can read about it here.
I'm going to try and not make this a novel.  So I'm going to skip some parts here and there.
My co-worker let me borrow his Bronco, and I may have totally locked the keys in the car. So that made it a little more interesting of a morning. I completely blame it on the fact I only got 5 hours of sleep and they weren't a solid 5 hours either. Moving on...
We waited and waited what seemed like forever for the missionaries to walk down. When the first set of missionaries which were 4 Elders walked down, it pretty much had everyone in tears. As they approached the end of the stairs each of their dear mothers went up and hugged them. No one even stopped we all watched them hug. In a perfect line (complete accident). If any of you have been there to watch missionaries come home. You know that moment is a very tend moment for any and all to watch.
Next came Sister Ewell and Sister Carlini (fun fact they were MTC companions). I couldn't stop crying. For the last 18 months all I've gotten from her were letters. And now SHE IS HOME!!

(this picture was taken after a lot of hugging)

For those of you who don't know Rachel was one of my roommates my very first semester of college. She is one of the most spiritual people I can think of and I hope that when I go on my mission that I can be a pinch as amazing as she was. Rachel is a big influence to me. She's actually the one person who really got me thinking about going on a mission. "Well the MTC is the most AMAZING experience of my life. Aubrey I know you say no, but if time comes and you aren't married (hypothetically cause we know you will be) make this your very first priority." -Sister Ewell (this is her second letter to me). 

I still remember the day I read that. I told myself okay. That's a fair enough situation. Here I am 18 months later, making it my very first priority. 

The last two weeks I've really struggled with being confident in my decisions I've made. But after yesterday and talking to Rachel. I have no doubt in my mind that in the last 7 months I've made ever decision I needed to make. I'm where I'm suppose to be. Some of those decisions were really hard to make and I didn't enjoy making them. It is right for everyone. 

I'm so happy Rachel is home, it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm so thankful for her friendship. 

Welcome home Sister Ewell <3 

Thunderstorms

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has a policy. It's not just 6 months. It's 6 months from my last anxiety attack.

I don't really remember the exact date of my last anxiety attack. It's about 1 1/2 -2 months ago. Which means I still have at least 4 more months.Yes, this was really hard to hear. 

Tonight I took a walk to the Provo Temple (even though it's closed) while I was there it started to rain. As I walked back home I was in deep thought. Of course we've all heard the famous phrase "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain". As this quote came to mind I couldn't help but realize which moments in my life were the rain storm seemed to be at its strongest points. And of course each thunderstorm has a moment where it's just a couple rain drops here and there. 

I can still remember one of my scariest anxiety attacks I've had. It was a couple weeks after starting therapy. I was in my room and I lost complete control of all of my body. Hardly being able to breath feeling every second of the attack. All I could think of was "when will this stop? Why do I not know how to control this yet?" I've learned how to control my anxiety. Many people don't know how to do this, and that is why I am grateful my Heavenly Father has given me this opportunity to do so.

With that said, I know I'll still have some heavy parts of the rainstorm, it could get worse I have no idea if it will or will not though. But as for now. I will dance in the rain. Because at some point it will all make sense. There is a grand plan that I'm part of, and I know that I made the decision to come here to Earth. Sometimes it's hard to experience our Earthly trials. I know that it will all be worth it one day. I promise to you all it will be. 

As for me right now. I'm still doing school and work full time. I only have 5 more weeks!!! Woot!

In August I will be moving up to SLC (Sandy area with my mom and brother). I can say that I know it's where I need to go right now. I've prayed about it a lot and I know it's right for me. I need to step away from Provo for a short time. For many reasons, and it will be good to have this experience. Of course there will be many things I will miss here. Like being able to walk to the temple. It's time for a change.

Don't forget to dance in the rain. It's okay if you get a little wet. You'll dry.